Q: “Chelvis, I missed you! I used to be a huge fan of your site 5 years ago, where did you go?” -Noreen Cunningham
A: Oh, my little panda bear, I missed you too. After the exhausting 1 city PuPu Platter Tour of 2002, me and the members of the Chinatown Mafia decided to take a much needed break studying the ancient art of Chinese dumpling making. 300 pounds later, I couldn’t fit into my Chelvis garb any longer and went into a deep depression for 4 years. It was not until I opened a fortune cookie that said, “Chelvis, get your fat ass off your couch and start performing again” did I begin my long road back to superstardom.
Just kidding. I was abducted by aliens and I negotiated a return trip back to Earth in exchange for some strains of DNA.
Q: “Those are some awesome products, Chelvis. Where can I buy them?” -Mandy Salazar
A: Oh Mandy. After the big sweatshop crackdown of ‘06, I haven’t been able to find a vendor that would give them to me for the price that a Mock Rock Legend deserves. Seriously, there were never products, it’s all satire lady.
Q: “What happened to ChelvisOnline.com?” -Anonymous
A: ChelvisOnline was so 2002! This is Chelvis 2.0 baby!
Q: “Will you perform at my wedding?” -Sue Briggs
A: Sue, from past experiences, my Magic 8 ball in my head says, “no.” The only true success I had while performing weddings was the Berkowitz/Rapp Wedding of 2000 and the bride and groom were both deaf.
Q: How did you get your hair to look just like Elvis’?
A: The key is plenty of sausage grease and throwing out your comb after every use. Seriously though, it’s Elvis hair. The only thing I can take credit for is my ugly mug photoshopped under it.
Ok, my lawyers made me do this:
I love Elvis. This is purely satire. Although, I did perform as Chelvis in the past, I no longer do. This is for entertainment purposes only. If you truly believe I am Elvis reincarnated you need some serious counseling. If you think I am furthering stereotypes of Asians with my content than you are probably right (stereotypes derive from fact after all).